Wednesday, April 22, 2015

I can't take it anymore.

This feeling after I made that decision to split up keeps haunting me.

I don't know how to say it and I don't know how to share it with other people. I just feel that when I keep sharing my sad stories, people will get sick of it because they will have their own life and its problems.

Deep down inside I know that I really have made the best decision to make, I know that I could never been with him for the next big step. I'm still not even sure whether I really really love him or just caring for him. But all I know that I can never settled my head and keep thinking about other possibilities might happen out there. Nevertheless this "loneliness" or "uneasy" feeling is sticking on me all the while.

Even though it's been 5 weeks, I've only cried badly for 2 times in the first 1 week and I couldn't cry out anymore since then. Many many days that I wanted to just cry but I couldn't, the tears was just stuck inside my breath. Many many days that I want to let all the burden out, but I just couldn't.
Lately I've been keep eating and sleeping abnormally. I've been caring less about myself lately.

I really just only wish that I will be soon be met with the "one", the one who I will truly can feel like I'm the happiest person with my life.

No matter what people always say that all the good things are just in the movie, I do still believe that there'll be a guy who I will confidently say to myself "yes, it's him!" The guy whom I will always feel being loved and can be comfortable with this all-of-me.

For now, I just want my comfort time, hanging out with a lot of different kind of people, for me to forget about my misery. I guess one of the reason that I keep staying up very very late till not enough sleep everyday, keep watching movies, keep eating too much, simply just because there's something that still stuck inside of me that I don't know how to let it out.

I know that even without him I am actually fine. It's just I don't know why I am experiencing all this tension inside. Again, even by the time I'm writing this now, my eyes are wet yet I'm still holding it back so badly. I really don't understand why I cannot burst it out. I feel I really need someone to talk & hangout with, but I can't comfortably find that someone to jerk out all my thoughts & feeling.

Writing might be the best solution to let things out for now.

~ me & my fairy tales ~
22 April 2015