Sunday, March 08, 2015

I don't know how I really feel

I'm a weird kind of person. I have a part of me which I don't even understand it myself. I am very particular about certain thing, especially whether I am about to share my feeling and thoughts or not. Even though I feel I need to share it, I don't know with whom I'm going to share it with. I have friends, just I'm very particular about sharing my feeling and thoughts, as I said before. 

I'm not sure if there's anybody out there that is having the same matter as I do. For now, I just need a space to pour out all my thoughts and feeling. Pretty sure, nobody is reading this. 

Me, 8 March 2015 

I've been in this relationship for more than 2 years now, all the while I keep thinking that I love this person. But somehow this past one month, I keep having the guts that I am actually not loving him as much I thought I was. Why? I feel that I didn't actually go the extra miles for him. All the while, I think I don't really having this sense of admiration of his thing. But I do feel proud that he is really good in taking photos, which he recently didn't do it. I do admire his kindness sometimes, I do admire the effort he put on me sometimes. But in another times, I just doesn't feel it. I thought when you're in love with somebody, that person is perfect in your eyes, everything can be the source of your admiration. And that is not happened to me for him. 

In certain times, I also cannot have the guts that I'll be tied down with him, it's either that I'm scared that forever I will be in the current situation or that I'm really just not into him that much. In other times, I also have a guts that he's also not that into me that much. 

The thing is that we are not like other normal (or at least that what I thought how normal should be) couple. We didn't have much romance in between, it is just hard for us to gazed on each other eyes and feel loved, and all this long I still feel there's a thin wall in between us. I can't easily sneak in my hands into his arms. Some things are just still feel awkward. 

Lately even I'm getting annoyed easily by his response, I start to have all these adventurous imagination when we are not together anymore. Doing all adventurous things, meeting up with new people, even guys. 

But the thing is, he has become like a part of me, something that I am comfortable with. Somebody who I want to tell all my things (even though I've been trying to refrain it lately). Most of the friends I know here are friends of his, and that's even scared me how would it be if we really broke up later. He is indeed really care of me which put me in a really bad position now because after almost 3 weeks not seeing on each other (and chat/talk super seldom) I start to feel ok not to be in contact with him, while I was so obsessed about getting in touch with him last time (before this past one month).

There are so many dissatisfaction in this relationship, yet when I was having a video call with him last week, I still remember how happy I am to see his face. And at certain hours, I could feel that I really love this guy. I really can't understand how I truly feel nowadays. 

Could it be just a temporary feeling that I'm actually just missing the life of being single? Or it's really is because that I don't really love him that much? Or could it be just because this is my first relationship so that I don't have comparison of what works and what is not? Or I just scared that if I've never experienced the break-up, then it'll become something that I'll regret on later as relationship has never been perfect?

As much as I really want to figure it out, no one can really tells me the answer. 

I would like to have a resolved answer soon, so that I'm not dragging things too long. 

~ Lately I really start to enjoy my anti-social time too, the time of being lonely, strolling alone, swimming alone at night, not being anxious have to tell things to other people and keep it to myself instead. Guess I miss my being alone time.