Wednesday, April 22, 2015

I can't take it anymore.

This feeling after I made that decision to split up keeps haunting me.

I don't know how to say it and I don't know how to share it with other people. I just feel that when I keep sharing my sad stories, people will get sick of it because they will have their own life and its problems.

Deep down inside I know that I really have made the best decision to make, I know that I could never been with him for the next big step. I'm still not even sure whether I really really love him or just caring for him. But all I know that I can never settled my head and keep thinking about other possibilities might happen out there. Nevertheless this "loneliness" or "uneasy" feeling is sticking on me all the while.

Even though it's been 5 weeks, I've only cried badly for 2 times in the first 1 week and I couldn't cry out anymore since then. Many many days that I wanted to just cry but I couldn't, the tears was just stuck inside my breath. Many many days that I want to let all the burden out, but I just couldn't.
Lately I've been keep eating and sleeping abnormally. I've been caring less about myself lately.

I really just only wish that I will be soon be met with the "one", the one who I will truly can feel like I'm the happiest person with my life.

No matter what people always say that all the good things are just in the movie, I do still believe that there'll be a guy who I will confidently say to myself "yes, it's him!" The guy whom I will always feel being loved and can be comfortable with this all-of-me.

For now, I just want my comfort time, hanging out with a lot of different kind of people, for me to forget about my misery. I guess one of the reason that I keep staying up very very late till not enough sleep everyday, keep watching movies, keep eating too much, simply just because there's something that still stuck inside of me that I don't know how to let it out.

I know that even without him I am actually fine. It's just I don't know why I am experiencing all this tension inside. Again, even by the time I'm writing this now, my eyes are wet yet I'm still holding it back so badly. I really don't understand why I cannot burst it out. I feel I really need someone to talk & hangout with, but I can't comfortably find that someone to jerk out all my thoughts & feeling.

Writing might be the best solution to let things out for now.

~ me & my fairy tales ~
22 April 2015

Sunday, March 08, 2015

I don't know how I really feel

I'm a weird kind of person. I have a part of me which I don't even understand it myself. I am very particular about certain thing, especially whether I am about to share my feeling and thoughts or not. Even though I feel I need to share it, I don't know with whom I'm going to share it with. I have friends, just I'm very particular about sharing my feeling and thoughts, as I said before. 

I'm not sure if there's anybody out there that is having the same matter as I do. For now, I just need a space to pour out all my thoughts and feeling. Pretty sure, nobody is reading this. 

Me, 8 March 2015 

I've been in this relationship for more than 2 years now, all the while I keep thinking that I love this person. But somehow this past one month, I keep having the guts that I am actually not loving him as much I thought I was. Why? I feel that I didn't actually go the extra miles for him. All the while, I think I don't really having this sense of admiration of his thing. But I do feel proud that he is really good in taking photos, which he recently didn't do it. I do admire his kindness sometimes, I do admire the effort he put on me sometimes. But in another times, I just doesn't feel it. I thought when you're in love with somebody, that person is perfect in your eyes, everything can be the source of your admiration. And that is not happened to me for him. 

In certain times, I also cannot have the guts that I'll be tied down with him, it's either that I'm scared that forever I will be in the current situation or that I'm really just not into him that much. In other times, I also have a guts that he's also not that into me that much. 

The thing is that we are not like other normal (or at least that what I thought how normal should be) couple. We didn't have much romance in between, it is just hard for us to gazed on each other eyes and feel loved, and all this long I still feel there's a thin wall in between us. I can't easily sneak in my hands into his arms. Some things are just still feel awkward. 

Lately even I'm getting annoyed easily by his response, I start to have all these adventurous imagination when we are not together anymore. Doing all adventurous things, meeting up with new people, even guys. 

But the thing is, he has become like a part of me, something that I am comfortable with. Somebody who I want to tell all my things (even though I've been trying to refrain it lately). Most of the friends I know here are friends of his, and that's even scared me how would it be if we really broke up later. He is indeed really care of me which put me in a really bad position now because after almost 3 weeks not seeing on each other (and chat/talk super seldom) I start to feel ok not to be in contact with him, while I was so obsessed about getting in touch with him last time (before this past one month).

There are so many dissatisfaction in this relationship, yet when I was having a video call with him last week, I still remember how happy I am to see his face. And at certain hours, I could feel that I really love this guy. I really can't understand how I truly feel nowadays. 

Could it be just a temporary feeling that I'm actually just missing the life of being single? Or it's really is because that I don't really love him that much? Or could it be just because this is my first relationship so that I don't have comparison of what works and what is not? Or I just scared that if I've never experienced the break-up, then it'll become something that I'll regret on later as relationship has never been perfect?

As much as I really want to figure it out, no one can really tells me the answer. 

I would like to have a resolved answer soon, so that I'm not dragging things too long. 

~ Lately I really start to enjoy my anti-social time too, the time of being lonely, strolling alone, swimming alone at night, not being anxious have to tell things to other people and keep it to myself instead. Guess I miss my being alone time.